First and foremost, this is an opinion, an observation of myself and in the lives others. Now, I am going to say something that many of you in the sensation are going to think, you are fucking full of shit, and I know this because I have had it said to me and I thought the same thing, but,
Your Pain is a gift.
Why do humans usually change habits? The Pain, emotional or physical, of their actions becomes too much of a sensation for them to ignore which then prompts change. Pain brings about AWARENESS Allow me to say again,
Your Pain is a gift.
Now, allow me to speak about a particular form of Pain, the variables can be random but here are the general parameters I have observed, the Pain is inflicted during a time where most of your life is dictated by another (usually childhood), where the perpetrator is an individual with power over you (usually parents, but as a child, this can mean almost anyone bigger than you), and through reasons only known to them, they induce a form of TRAUMA into your life. (The Pain can be gradual as well, ie, parenting style)
This creates Pain, and this Pain creates Awareness. This Awareness, depending on the age of the individual (as the younger you are the less perspective you have to draw from), results in a tailspin, your brain is overreacting to the extreme stimuli but it does not have enough information to form any conclusions. This state becomes permanent, this overreactive mind, and becomes a filter through which you see reality.
So… why is Pain a gift?
The Pain makes you use your entire mind for elongated periods of time which results in it expanding beyond what others around you can see. You automatically hyper-analyze everything. The down side, without control of this, it can become a negative. It is this hyper-analyzing that makes people socially awkward. It is this hyper-analyzing that makes relationships hard. It is this hyper-analyzing that makes finding a reason to motivate yourself difficult.
Pain as a Gift.
Key phrase, “without control of this”. Once you are able to recognize the ‘why’ you can focus on the ‘how’. You are NOT stupid. You are NOT hopeless. You simply LACK the ability to focus your wonderful, explosive mind. It is like the reigning in of a wild stallion. Consider the depth of your emotional problems, why do you suffer more than others seem to? It is because the tremendous focus that Pain has brought you is being centered on the Pain itself (or a new Pain).
If nothing I write applies to you, thank you for reading, your input to this thought is still appreciated as I always enjoy peer review on my thinking. But if you feel there in insight here, allow me to offer the most powerful tool I have discovered to help with focus:
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Yes lol you have a way with words man. I can see how so many people are trying to escape all of the time. I have read so much about bettering myself without trying any action. Always that I would do it later. And when hard situations came up I’ve looked for escapes or wait for things to happen to me. So it’s always been fear in my head instead of real life pain. So instead of trying to feel ‘good’ all of the time I think it might do better to feel real ness right?
“Now in college I realize only I can do Anything”
This is fucking amazing! Good for you! What a freedom this brings no? As for socially awkwardness, I too found my mind took in to much, all this information with no context for understanding it.
ok.. this is going to sound nerdy, but, I love the show Death Note, especially the character ‘L’. One of ‘L’ physical attributes are his perpetually dilated eyes, and I thought… why’d they make him look like that? So I started looking up why eyes become dilated and I discovered, eyes dilate based upon a deep interest. It made sense, ‘L”s character is beyond brilliant, so his perpetual dilation was due to his mental state of always being, ‘Deeply interested’ which was what made him so intelligence, he took all data through a deeply concentrated filter.
Once concluded, I started observing people who would come into my shop, their dilation, and my MIND BLEW. I noticed two states, (1) Medium Dilation – The more common of the two, implied an interest in what was being said. They were listening to me intently. (2) ‘Saucer’ or Almost Full Dilation – Less common, implied a submissive state, a completely open mind. They were hanging on to every word. BOTH conclusions were not based on dilation alone, body language and speech patterns were factored in as well.
This cause/effect was noticeable in everyone. It SUPPLIED context for the extra data I was observing. It lessened my insecurity and doubt.
That’s when I started reading “Emotions Revealed” by Paul Ekman (The show ‘Lie to me’ is based off of Ekman). “Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life”. Blew me away, I thought the pupil dilation added context, holy shit!
Now, I am not describing steps, but a method, anything that helps you understand others better will also help with your social anxiety. =)
@tine, That is weird as fuck because my eyes are ALWAYS dilated except when i’m like outside or something, My friends are always like are you trippin? i’m like no I just have huge ass pupils all the time aha. This is so awesome, thank you for sharing. Yeah I have trouble understanding why no one else is so intrigued with this life and everything and why everything is how it is. Love you for sharing this with me aha !! Maybe I should read this book also
Or one like it, anything really, though I enjoyed the Ekman book, he’s kinda an asshole and I like that about him.
You have perpetually dilated eyes? I have identified an individuals mental ability based solely on this, his name is Shawn, a victim of extreme continuous trauma, who had a grandparent come in and act as a positive-counter and who was able to focus Shawn’s explosive mind through meditation and advanced math at a young age. (His GP made him learn Algebra at 6….. and he did, kicking and screaming, eventually)
Because of this he developed an advanced understanding of how to figure things out (because he was forced to skip steps in Math understanding and had to learn with large knowledge gaps) and he developed the ability to remember anything he focused on. (I tested this ability without him realizing it, he can)
I am curious if any of this correlates to you
I have realized everything you have mentioned here for myself, each bit of information at different points in my life, but NEVER have I had someone convey it so eloquently, and collectively.
It turned out to be the slap in the face that I needed.
The only issue (of the three “hyper-analyzing” difficulties) I struggle with these days is motivation. I seem to be demotivated by my lack of self-worth at least once a day, and it’s getting to the point where it’s affecting my studies. I lack drive and determination, and I’ve even been neglecting my personal health (unhealthy diet, little-no exercise) whereas once I could run 3mi in 20-25min, I probably couldnt bring myself to jog 1mi…
Thank you, because this is exactly what I needed to hear today.
Shawn’s eyes were dilated because he had a deep, deep insecurity spawned from his trauma, it created self loathing and a need for attention, therefore when he socially interacted he brought himself fully there, *pop, goes his dilation.
@tine, I wrote this once long ago “pain is a gift, it creates the environment in order to change and grow”. Like you stated this is true in some sense, but also false in others like you have also stated. It really depends if you are willing to learn from life or if you are just feel sorry for yourself and not learn from mistakes.
@tine, this is my life in a nutshell. I am socially awkward because I do over analyze. I read my surroundings too well, and don’t give myself a chance to be apart of the environment. I pre- judge the situations that I just won’t gain anything from anyone. Childhood was painful for me in multiple ways, and it does make it hard to find motivation to keep moving. I realized this in highschool. Now in college I realize only I can do Anything. The first step is the longest stride.. Forgiving is hard, but it’s the only way you regain your power over yourself. I found myself hopeless a lot of the time, and still do time and time again, but I feel like all of this pain I have been through will make me have an awesome future. At least I hope.
@tine, does not sound like bs at all.it’s so true, it is not until my disgust or hate or pain with something reaches a threshold that I finally do something about it. As far as overanalyzing beign the cause of being socially awkward, couldn’t agree more. I overthink any and all social interactions so much I end up being solitary. A lot to think about
“I seem to be demotivated by my lack of self-worth at least once a day, and it’s getting to the point where it’s affecting my studies. I lack drive and determination, and I’ve even been neglecting my personal health”
Thank you for sharing something so personal, allow me to give you how I see what you described in my own life (this is a roundabout answer):
I cannot be wrong. If I am wrong I am embarrassed because it shows how stupid I really am. This is especially prevalent in social settings.
It took me a long time to see what was happening here, my specific Pain made me feel inferior. Because I felt inferior I compensated by shifting the blame.
So I denied reality. Without feeling the sting of Pain, I had no reason to change. This Worked! I became numb and was able to go about reality unabated.
Eventually, as most do, I came to a plateau in my growth. This plateau was significant because what I needed to grow was my ability to function so that I could provide for my new family.
So I started the journey of discovery, starting with Focus. Focus I thought was everything, I was wrong. Focus is the steering column of a vehicle, Motivation is the driver.
I recognized the duality. So then I started on motivation, what motivates me, what motivates others, what is this… motivation? This brought me back to Pain.
Pain brings about Awareness, a NATURAL motivation to change. Through the practice of denying reality to feed my ego (or to excuse a bad habit), I realized I had numbed my ability to partake of the Natural Motivation Pain brings.
This relates to change because you are going from, Point A (Known through ‘experience’) to Point B (Known through ‘knowledge’). Without experience it is impossible to realize a new state, you have to PUSH yourself into it.
This is do-able through visualization, meditation, self-help book, breathing exercises, but, the most POWERFUL motivator for positive change is the Pain you experience from the actions you wish changed.
And I had numbed myself to this.
I had to realize what ‘actions’ (key) I was doing to contribute to my state and acknowledge them fully, regardless how Painful this was.
This realization has set me free.
and I do not know how this relates to you, but the final step away was the realization I had to stop smoking bud. Now, bud was not the problem, the problem was my frequency.
Frequent weed smok-age brought about the following:
(1) Foggy/Sluggish Brain
(3) A lazy brain. The focus I obtained while high was artificial and the frequent use of weed made it so my brain did not have to try as much. An elongated period of the brain not trying makes it lazy. I think this is why stoners lose their short term memory, their brains are working on a lazy level.
The combination of these factors put me in a state like you described, “I lack drive and determination, and I’ve even been neglecting my personal health”.
So, if you smoke weed often, know this has a dramatic effect on your ability to ‘do’, and that the drive lost has to do with an action taken
““The only way out is though””
So true man… I realized something profound, I was a coward. Instead of meeting challenge with strength I allowed myself to be easily defeated, using bs as justification. I began to realize that Failure is not something to fear, for it is the grindstone on which willpower is sharpened.
@tine, so it seems that what you are saying is that when you are smoking weed it is really important about the mindset that you have and that it can make people lazy if they don’t know that?
Tine I put together a lot of messy information in my head last night for hours and came to a lot of the same conclusions and you put it all together so well here. Haha I decided that I want to go out and experience real joy and pain rather then what happens in my head when I try to avoid things that make me feel nervous or bad.
“The only way out is though”