Why do guys hesitate in relationships?

3 years, 4 months ago

Dan, how very true that is! They end up showing you hidden parts of yourself whether you like it or not.

November 28, 2011 at 8:22 am

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Profile photo of Morgan Morgan (@m17lee) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

So in this discussion yal are my research. What the reasons that guys hesitate when making relationship decisions? I’ve run into so many guys where they have no fucking idea what they want.

So the reason for this dicussion- There’s this guy and I’ve known him about two or three weeks which isn’t really that long at all, but we click. We just click like it’s the most natural thing in the world to a point where it feels as if a relationship with him is completely unavoidable and like it’s just supposse to happen. We’ve spent almost everyday of the past 2-3 weeks together and we have already been initmate and all that gross stuff.
So tonight, I asked him what our “label” was. His reply, “ummm…. I don’t know.” So I said well I don’t know either and it’s bugging me. So he says “well what do you want it to be…?”
So i go on to tell him that i want him to be my boyfriend yada yada.
He takes like over an hour to reply so i ask if that is a no. “Fuck if I know.” That’s his reply! He says we’ll talk about it tomorrow but I’m impatient so I’m sharing with all of you.
We have already discussed that neither of us will ever do booty calls or anything of the sort. And he has said he likes me.. I’m just so confused and I can’t think through it to an answer.

So what is the most common for guys to hesitate like that?

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Profile photo of jetsetplayboy jetsetplayboy (@jetsetplayboy) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

It sounds like he’s either not available at the moment, or he’s looking into other options and doesn’t want to commit just yet. I’ll think it over some more after work, but that’s my gut reaction, unfortunately…

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Profile photo of Bryan Hellard Bryan Hellard M (@xyver) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

A) He doesn’t want to tie himself down

B) He’s scared to tie himself down

C) He’s confused as shit and is trying to buy time to think about it.

May I ask why you are pushing to get into a relationship?

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@hollowinfinity) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

Guys over-analyze things without even knowing they are. Either that or they just want sex and are ashamed to admit it.

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Profile photo of jake arends jake arends (@jakexx) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I see no need for labeling it as anything. Let it just be.

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Profile photo of Sean D Stevens Sean D Stevens (@thelaughingfool) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I’m currently in the process of wooing a young lady. I’ve made my desires known, but she hasn’t yet responded as I’ve hoped. It took me a while to work up the courage to ask her, and while I was doing so, I think I worked out the reason: I had such a good relationship with her, I didn’t want to jeopardize that for a romantic relationship that could go sour. She currently labels me as “Her Best Guy Friend”, and while being such makes me very happy, I’m still hoping she will give a deeper relationship a try.

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Profile photo of Jesusbob Jesusbob (@jesusbob) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I am with Jake on this one. Why do you need the label?

For any of us to speculate on the reason he is wary is purely that, speculation and is of no real benefit. Nothing falls into the category of “guys” or “girls”. He is just a person and there could be a million reasons he is not interested in labelling what you two share.

Since that’s the case, the only thing you can really do is to ask yourself why YOU want the label in the first place. Are you looking for the sex but refuse to be a “booty-call”? Would a label allow you to open up further to him? I don’t understand what would change if there was a label there, so please enlighten me as this is a regular topic in my life.

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Profile photo of jake arends jake arends (@jakexx) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

@Tine, I couldn’t dissagree more. If a guy just wants sex, he’s not worth being in a relationship with. If a girl doesn’t want sex, she’s not worth being in a relationship with.

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Profile photo of Morgan Morgan (@m17lee) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

Thanks for all the input guys, it’s helping a lot.
One of the reasons I wanted a label is because everyone aks for one and I don’t have an answer. When that happens time and time again it gets stuck in my head. I’m not meaning to be pushy. I told him to just forget about the label since he’s having such a hard time with it.
Another reason I want a label is that I think I could just relax around him more. I feel like it would make me more myself around him. I would be able to open up more and share things that I’m hesitatant to talk about. It shouldn’t be like that at all. I shouldn’t need a label for that but past relationships fuck you up and it makes you complicated.
I think I’ll drop it completely. I don’t want to screw up things just because I want a word to call us. Well maybe I already have just by asking.

I know that guys just want sex, but there are guys out there that consider more than just sex. And I’m having faith that this guy is one of those. That’s the conclusion I’ve gotten from our convosations.

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Profile photo of Nick Nick (@pittgiant11) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I think what matters most is where this guy “is” in his life and what he’s ultimately looking for. If he is “searching for his future wife” he’ll have no problem starting off the process being your boyfriend. In fact, as soon as you mentioned that you wanted to be his girlfriend he would probably instantly agree that he wants the same thing.

However, since he “stalled” it probably means one of a few possible things.

A) He loves the way things are going so much that he doesn’t want to complicate things by acknowledging that the two of you are starting a new life together.

B) He only knows 2 – 3 weeks worth of your life and now he is going to have to start doing things that boyfriends do like buy flowers, always pay for dinner, change his Facebook status, meet all your friends, meet your family, introduce you to HIS friends & family…the list goes on.

C) He only wants to date in his life at the moment and that means no commitments or relationships. He enjoys your company, enjoys everything about you and even tells his friends about you but for whatever reason is afraid to make things “official.”

D) He’s a total douchebag and is using you for sex, company or to fill other voids in his life.

E) He recently got out of a bad relationship or still has some hangups about his ex and starting a NEW relationship would bring up bad memories or remind him why he ended his last relationship.

If you want to see how he’s thinking without getting too intrusive just ask him where he sees himself in 5 years. If that vision includes anything about marriage or starting a family he might be worth pursuing. If it doesn’t include those things you can either just “enjoy the ride” you’re having at the moment or find someone else who DOES want the same things out of life that you’re looking for.

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Profile photo of Glo Glo (@mickjagger) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I don’t think it’s all guys who are like this. A guy who hesitates to make a commitment or put a ‘label’ on a relationship, in my experience, does not want a commitment. Simple as that.. though I am a girl, so I could be totally off-base.

People have some inherent lucidity about what they want. If a guy wants a committed relationship, you’ll know it.

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Profile photo of Ellie Ellie M (@tangledupinplaid21) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

My boyfriend and I started out deciding we weren’t going to label things and eventually decided we want to. To me the label isn’t as important as the fact that we are exclusive… I think that’s a more important question than what you call it.
and Tine, that’s not true for all guys.

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Profile photo of Dan Dan (@danfontaine) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

Because people who are analytical can’t listen to themselves. They don’t have strong feeling of what they want, so they have to decide what they want by looking at factors. A very confusing process if there is much dissonance in their intentions. That’s why he hesitates. He has dual intentions, as most guys do.
My take is that he feels what you feel for him, but his shadow tells him that you aren’t perfect for him. He feels you aren’t perfect for him because he wants something out of you that will make him feel more balanced and just isn’t seeing in you what he is subconsciously hoping for (he probably has no idea what it is). So I’d find out what it is about him that he struggles with/can’t control, and be his aid in that region. Then his shadow will value you and he will be yours.
Relationships are about freeing each other.

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Profile photo of Alex Alex (@hollowinfinity) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

@Dan, very very nicely worded. Thank you.

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Profile photo of Randall Randall (@randall) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

Well I see a lot of valid points here. All advice I can give you is that every single person is different. Guys looking for sex might be true but the same can be said for a lot of girls. Sex is about a boy and a girl, not just a boy.

Then, a more personal story, I especially resonate with Brians first post, all those 3 points describe me completely.

Besides, girls commonly use feeling where boys (as mentioned) tend to rationalize and think things through. I’m sure there’s a good reason he’s not telling you yet, give him some time and ask it again. The best thing would be to let him open up his thought process, which would give you some insight in his thinking.

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Profile photo of BirdFlyingHigh BirdFlyingHigh (@birdflyinghigh) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

If you need something to call him when you introduce him to people in your life, just call him your “friend.” I’ve always liked that label…

If you’ve lobbed the ball to him and he’s taking a while to lob it back, maybe you should look elsewhere for a while. If he’s really into you he’ll come track you down.

Fuck I dunno, I suck at dating advice. The rules I tend to stick to are, don’t push relationship talks if they’re not going well or if they’re not necessary, don’t talk about exes unless they ask (and even then use discretion), and don’t use sexual jealousy to win arguments or make points. Had to learn the last one the hard way, hahaha.

@Tine Many people buy into the paradigm of “men want sex, women want relationships.” However, it just isn’t always true… and when it is true, it’s usually because people think that’s the part they’re supposed to play.

It’s hard to break out of roles like that without offering alternatives, and most people don’t hate the game enough to try to change it. I think it’s a real shame.

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Profile photo of BirdFlyingHigh BirdFlyingHigh (@birdflyinghigh) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

@Tine Many people buy into the paradigm of “men want sex, women want relationships.” However, it just isn’t always true… and when it is true, it’s usually because people think that’s the part they’re supposed to play.

It’s hard to break out of roles like that without offering alternatives, and most people don’t hate the game enough to try to change it. I think it’s a real shame.

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Profile photo of Flynnstone Flynnstone (@flynnstone) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

I agree with Ellie….maybe it would be better to discuss being exclusive rather than putting a label on it. I am going to make another generalization here, but I think when someone’s looking for a label they usually want the security that label brings. For example, when you say “he’s my boyfriend,” that implies you’re exclusive, while “we’re just hooking up” could mean any number of things. In my experience, when people want to use the “we’re in a relationship” label, they just want to be exclusive. Maybe just mention that if he’s worried what the label will bring.
also, telling your friends that you’ve both agreed not to see anyone else implies that there’s something more there than just hanging out or friends with benefits.

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Profile photo of Morgan Morgan (@m17lee) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

@BirdFlyingHigh you had me laughing pretty hard and yes I totally agree with the rules you stick by thanks.

@Ellie and Caitlin I really like the idea of just asking to be exclusive. That’s exactly the word I’ve been needing and it just wouldn’t pop up for me. To me, being exclusive is more important than really having the “boyfriend” label.

Also, Dan, that really put some things in a different perspective for me and that helped insanely. Especially since I haven’t ever been around a healthy working relationship. For those of you that don’t know.. I don’t know my dad. I live only with my mom so relationships don’t come as easily as I think they might’ve if things were different. So you might see a few relationship topiced dicussions from me. Lol, thanks.

So update – yesterday he said he’d talk to me about our “label” today. Today, I saw him for like ten minutes at the most and he had to go meet his mom or something and said we’d talk later and that he had a lot going on tonight and tomorrow. Whatever, in my head, he’s just distancing himself right now. I’m trying to give him the time he needs. He says he doesn’t want to be the cause of my discomforts and that he’s sorry and I believe him. I haven’t brought any of it up again, but maybe the damage is done anyway. His hug wasn’t tight like it is normally today and that made me kinda sad, but I feel like I can’t say anything to ease his mind if he won’t let me. I don’t know folks, guess we’ll see how the rest of the week plays out.

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Profile photo of Bryan Hellard Bryan Hellard M (@xyver) 3 years, 4 months ago ago

Methinks he’s in panic mode now. Giving him space is good. But, more importantly, don’t act any different! If you start changing things, he’ll start panicking, and back off more.

Just act how you used to, forget all about it.

(This is if you want things to go back to how they were….)

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Profile photo of Dance! Megan! Dance! Megan! (@dancemegan) 1 year, 7 months ago ago

When will women get it through our thick skulls that you do NOT give up the goods until you establish the relationship first. Show him that you need exclusivity to any man that is going to be all inside of you. Until you do that, it will always be ‘fuck if he knows’.

You don’t have to stop having casual sex, just understand that WHEN you do, he will probably just be a fling and not your bf. So hold out for that guy that you really click with and want to be yours. But don’t use your goods like a weapon like just saying no because you want control, stop being over-eager for pleasure with guys that you seriously want to be with. Wait until you know that you two mutually will not be sleeping with others.

Then any man that screws you over after a commitment is just a jerk.

About labels, Jake & Bob, You can call it a label, but it’s just another word for ‘the status of the relationship/friendship’. By knowing the status she knows what is and isn’t appropriate to do/share with him. I don’t see how people don’t understand this.

She needs to know where she stands and she needs to know ‘what’ they are. It lets her know if she should be vulnerable with him and give it her all, or if she should just keep him for fun and date other guys until she meets someone long-term. Not wanting to ‘label ‘ it is just something people say so they can do the latter and not feel guilty about it.

Basically a label (if we’re calling it that) lets the person know what kind of effort to put into it, (let’s be serious, you wouldn’t treat a fling the same way you would your future wife) and anyone who’s ever actually had a date, knows that you get hurt by going all in, so you better know WHO you are going all in with. IMO, he already has labeled it, and when she asked to be his woman, maybe something that he’s not ready for yet, he now doesn’t want a label.

Morgan. It’s OKAY to want a ‘label’. You deserve to know where his head and heart is, so that you can make the decision how to continue with him. Maybe you should call it something other than a label though.

Edit: So I just realized that this almost 2 years old… um how did it work out…

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Profile photo of Alex Pretorius Alex Pretorius (@apretorius1) 1 year, 7 months ago ago

I don’t like limiting my opportunities and I don’t want to limit anyone else.

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@m17lee, Females are so emotionally unpredictable that we guys have to consider all possible misconstrusions of what we’re saying/potential negative consequences before committing to a decision regarding a subject as sensitive and heavy as relationships.

In the end, we figure we’re in the doghouse either way, so we do what makes sense to us…which inevitably is the “wrong choice” and lands us at Camp Couch for a few nights. That’s the way it’s been since the dawn of relationships, and we’re okay with it. Makes watching late night porn/grabbing midnight snacks that much easier!

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