Why do we love the wrong people?

2 years, 4 months ago

It confuses me how we never love the people who would never break our hearts, who would treat us like prince and princesses. We always go for the jerks who make us feel bad and do us wrong so many times. Why?

December 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

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Profile photo of Cody Cody (@versai) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

Never, always, and wrong; 3 absolutes that I’d avoid using as much as possible. Cause no relationship is perfect, nor doomed. Shit just happens. If you’re wondering about your own relationship experience, maybe try a different outlook. You could be subconsciously limiting yourself to only those relationships which you believe are possible.

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Profile photo of Dominika Dominika (@dominika) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

its because people like a chase, a tease. people only want what they cannot have. and it is only these people that end up with the jerks.
If you are happy with what you have, hell, you may not even need others. which is why you will end up finding the most awesome people. it is often the people that are afraid to end up alone that end up either alone or with unpleasant people they cling on to out of fear of loneliness.

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Profile photo of Skye Skye (@skye) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

We WANT the people we cannot have. We love the people we CAN have. If you cannot have a person, then you do not love them, if you loved them you would find a way to make it so. If you WANT a person, you will watch as they slowly fade away. And accept it. And even if you don’t accept it, watching them exit your life should tell you that they did not belong there. Cheers

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Profile photo of DaDuke DaDuke (@dukevonschmot) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

I heard a quote very early on in my life from my mother that I have always gone back to.

“Just because you love someone, does not mean you can be with them.”

Sometimes you meet people that you probably shouldn’t love, because they are ‘jerks’. Nevertheless, you should always show people love and compassion, no matter how much of an asshole someone can be. Sometimes you aren’t so pleasant to be around yourself. Everyone has their good and bad moments; their ups and downs. Learn to accept people for exactly who they are. The point of life is not about getting, its about giving. The universe has already given you life. Now, you owe everything to the universe, including all the life in it. Change your mind to change your life.

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Profile photo of ButternutSquash ButternutSquash (@equanimity) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

This video sums up my exact thoughts on the topic:

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Profile photo of Marie Marie (@ARCANUS) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

We don’t love the wrong people, we might think we do.

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Profile photo of LesterJohn LesterJohn (@lesterdeguzman) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@hellomary513, no worries dear. There’s a special someone out there for everybody

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Profile photo of Matthew L Wynn Matthew L Wynn (@matthewynn) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

All people deserve love… there’s no wrong person. Treat everyone else like a “prince or princess” as you put it, and the ones that WANT to care about you and love you equally BACK will stick around and share that love and appreciation with you. You usually get what you put out, emotionally, when it comes to building a relationship. And sometimes you’ll run into someone with an even higher level of love, appreciation, understanding, and trust that will blow your mind.

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Profile photo of Javi Javi (@baker) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

Well, I figured this out some time ago. More or less: We do not love the wrong people: we want them. See, loving is different from wanting: love is not selfish, nor possessive, I’ts all about the other person; Wanting is obsessive and egoistical; if you give it a little hindsight, you’ll see it’s all about yourself, who do YOU whant.
All obsessions are rooted in the ego, and this one is in a particular way. We, egoistic humans, in our worthless pursuit for approval, collide with a person who we know we will never get approval from… because he/she is a jerk, or a saint, or way out of our league. ¿So what do we do? Fill our thoughts with that person, think of ways to impress him/her.
How to heal from an obsession?
How not to: with another obsession. Soon or later we get desperate with that one we think is “the one” and slowly get addicted to the attention and approval of another one.
How to: If I only knew…

Forgive any, grammar mistakes, non-english speaker here

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Profile photo of Haven Haven (@mycomfyuterus) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

I think real love can fix all that, too. Real love isn’t about possession or desire. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly nine years now. We’ve stopped hurting each other. Completely. We used to, just like all lovers do. But now we are at complete peace. We both agree that a devotion to love above everything else has caused this.

And the love has grown and created awesome things that we never thought possible. I mean, we hardly used to even like each other. I cannot stress enough how ‘normal’ our relationship was. But after love took over everything became special. No word of a lie, our lives get a bit better with each passing month; which means every successive month is actually the best month of our lives.

It took a lot of work to get where we are, but where we are is fucking AWESOME (and includes some awesome fucking ;) ).

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Profile photo of  Anonymous (@) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

It’s because people who won’t break our hearts tend to be more boring , dull that they require the attribute of not cheating to be worth something compared to those who could break your heart! It’s also boring those people who just suck up to you we don’t need people that feel good about ourselves that’s what our friends and famiyl are for we need our equals COUNTERPARTS!

As for ‘jerks’ only the fools go for that seriously. Einstein said it right ‘doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity.

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Profile photo of Samantha Samantha (@sammomantha) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

I really think it comes back down to our upbringing. As cliche as it may seem, I think it plays a huge part in who we fall in love with. The older I get, the more I see this happening.

I don’t think it’s an absolute answer for every situation, but I do think it plays a significant part. Pretty much always coming down to our initial attachment with each of our parents, and also the male, female, and relationship models we had growing up.

I know it’s definately true for me. I subconsciously seek out partners that mimic my father (although I still love him, and I’m sure he did his best…there are certain negative aspects involved with our father-child relationship). Subsequently, I end up in relationships that are sometimes exactly the same as my mum and dad’s relationship…which isn’t a good thing/

I had friends that had very secure attachments with their parents, and great rolemodels…and they have turned out to have great relationships themselves.

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Profile photo of CRG CRG (@ganeshcr) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@hellomary513, We simply fall in love without any reason or pre-existing conditions. This part is quite easy when compared with maintaining a relationship.

When love starts affecting his/her lifestyle and if they are not happy with it then the other so-called problems arise. I suppose it happens due to an attempt to control something that shouldn’t be controlled.

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Profile photo of ZachVanZandt ZachVanZandt (@zachvanzandt) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@hellomary513, Theres a theory within Psychology on Incongruency, which is when a persons environment treats them in such a way that isn’t harmonious with how the person perceives themselves. Basically it’s that people with low self-esteem are drawn to people who affirm their perception of themselves, and that people who would in turn love those of self esteem and try to make them feel better about themselves would in fact only drive them away, as it would create a tension between how the person sees themselves (their value system) and how their environment responds to them. It would in a way offer some sort of an answer as to why people are drawn to those mean to them

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@zachvanzandt, Given the simplicity of how person can change his perception of himself, that is utter crap.

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Profile photo of Eq Eq (@truthseeker) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

Idk, I love everybody. Define wrong people. I don’t think there are any. If they treat me bad, I’ll learn a lesson and therefore they teach me, which makes them good people in my eyes.

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Profile photo of Obviously, you're not a golfer Obviously, you’re not a golfer (@donjaime23) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@hellomary513, Because the people who would treat us right aren’t very charming. The jerks can be VERY charming…it’s part of their douchebaggery.

Seriously though, look at someone who you know is a good person and would treat you right: Are they as attractive/charming as you’d like? I’ll bet my front teeth that they’re not as much so as the people who turn out to be jerks.

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Profile photo of Michael Michael (@peacefulmotivators) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@truthseeker, Ooo truthseeker I like that name. Anyway sometimes I think I’m a bad person, which is why I often get so depressed. Thank’s for the vote of confidence though, it certainly makes me feel just a bit better! :D

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Profile photo of ZachVanZandt ZachVanZandt (@zachvanzandt) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@beyond, I wouldn’t refer to anyones theory, regardless of what it is, as utter crap man and there’s no need to feel so threatened by it, this should be a place where people discuss things freely.

As much as I believe in a persons ability to alter their perception of themselves, you must ask yourself what is the new perception they are forming? What is the new idealized self, and what is it rooted in? Our new selves are very much so connected to our old selves, and something that runs as deep as self esteem takes time and effort to change.

I’ll give you an example –

Say a man has low self esteem because of X (Doesn’t think hes buff enough or whatever) , a symptom of A ( Say, a masculinity complex brought on by a domineering Father) which is deeply encoded within the make-up of who he is. He can Work out, get more ripped, and become what it was he set out to become, eliminating X, but A will remain.

This isn’t an attack on Guys exercising by the way, health is wealth.

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Profile photo of Michael Michael (@peacefulmotivators) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

I love someone that I probably won’t ever be able to be with. I guess it’s sorta crazy. I don’t know if that means I love the wrong person. But I don’t think so. I think it’s great. I just don’t know how to make it work, really. She lives so far away and won’t answer any of my messages.

It’s weird though, how we fall in love sometimes with someone and we don’t even seem to have control over it. Personally I say what is love, if not a choice? But when I think about this girl, I have to wonder how much choice there is involved really. She’s just so perfect to me. Anyway, that’s enough rambling.

I don’t know if I’ll end up with someone else because I just have no way to be with this girl. And frankly the fact that I love this girl is kinda weird. I’m not going to go into details here. But I’d say it’s an innocent love, at least mostly. Maybe I should feel a little guilty getting so emotional over someone that doesn’t even really know me. Oh well. I don’t want to talk about who she is though. I’ll just say that I’m not stalking her or anything like that.

If I had to answer why I fell in love with her, it would be because she’s worth it. Because somehow I know that she is someone special to me and that I’ve never known anyone else quite like her.

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@zachvanzandt, Say a man stops giving a fuck and doesn’t complicate anything in his life, because the effort it takes is to not make an effort all the time. I’m not sure why you think I feel threatened by a dumbass inaccurate study though. If I was, I wouldn’t tell my lecturers in psychology every time how full of shit are most of those studies. Every time I get the chance, utter crap is utter crap. The major part of the researches made aren’t to bring some new truth to the world, but psychologists to get payed for something partly credible.

I am pretty sure that if our old selves are always connected to our new selves, there won’t be any reason to make an effort, unless we want to hide our true selves.

As to the OP, everyone is the right person and the wrong person for you. Because you are too. Wait… you can’t love right or wrong people, you can love them for the right or the wrong reasons.

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Profile photo of Ellie Ellie M (@tangledupinplaid21) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@beyond, Honestly, I find most of what you say to be utter crap, but that last part is true.

@peacefulmotivators, I know how unrequited feelings are. They suck. And they also pass.

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Profile photo of Selina Selina (@selina) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

We accept the love we think we deserve…whether it be justified or not.
Really, that is what we’re left with.

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Profile photo of Sasho Stoyanov Anonymous (@) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@tangledupinplaid21, Is it? The last part was something I thought is utter crap.

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Profile photo of Ellie Ellie M (@tangledupinplaid21) 2 years, 4 months ago ago

@beyond, lol

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