Renee 7 min read

I Took The Red Pill

Art, Poetry & Writing Consciousness & Meditation waking up

I Took The Red Pill

I’ve never believed in God. Not fully. I was open to all options, and didn’t tackle the big questions or dwell on them too often, because when I did I couldn’t stop. They set my mind spiraling out of control, and I didn’t think that we were ‘meant’ to know. Taking such a broad stance on religion, I still felt pulled to spirituality. I attended a Buddhist group in college for about a year, though I was reading the text without understanding it. I was meditating without feeling it. I wore the label, but it did absolutely nothing for me at the time.

I looked for something to do with my life, that something that everyone in the world says we all need to find. That SOMETHING we need to do for the rest of our lives. Whaaaat crazy! I continued on through college, moved away from my home state and made various close friends, and held too tightly to poor relationships, which of course failed. The only thing I could ever commit to was people, and nothing else caught my attention for longer than a few months. Though there were still those topics that always held my interest, not coming from my background or family. They just..are. They included art and writing, egyptology, mythology, astronomy, animals, and environmental science. I bet many of you can relate to these interests. :) But even with this, I found no value in the idea of finding a career. I thought something was wrong with me. All I really wanted to do was travel and learn about the world. But I have to be DOING something, right? I just didn’t know what to care about enough to dedicate my life to, and it was making me feel like something was missing.

After 2.5 years in Seattle, I move to Sothern California, which I have been residing for one year. I don’t own a car and decided one day to never take the bus again. It’s nice out right? I’ll walk. This turns into walking back and forth to work, combined with walking my dog, adding up to 4-5 miles per day and lots of sun. I only add these details because I think that the combined power of sunshine, and getting super healthy led to a healthy body which allowed for a healthy soul. Also these walks alone gave me nearly an hour and a half every day where all I was doing was thinking.

The big questions came up in my mind more and more frequently. Why are we here? What exactly are we? Why are we shitting on the world and each other? I should add here that I’ve always been very left, pro choice, anti-war, pro-environment, pro-love, pro drugs (used for expansion, not escape) etc, etc . I also felt like an idealist, never being able to understand why some live soooo richly by doing shit like being in a TV show, while others do not even have enough food. Think about that! How much food would it take you to get by, to survive? not much. Especially a small child. But people are STARVING. I didn’t listen to economical or religious arguments. In my mind, there is just no excuse for someone on earth to be starving. It is absurd. But at the very same time, you would have never caught me volunteering at a homeless shelter. I had a shyness, a slight fear of talking to people.and I definitely avoided most small talk with strangers.

During this inquisitive time, I started reading a couple of books on Egyptian religion, tried my hand at ‘Art and the Zen of Motorcycle Maintenance’, and was reading a load of inspirational quotes based on eastern religion, or just general positivity and unique insight .

At the same time, I also felt myself falling for a friend of mine, and my mind slowly, but dangerously wandered to this… and got stuck.

Fast forward a few months through trying to juggle keeping one of my best friends while dealing with the crap I felt from him not feeling the same way. On one side I was dealing with shitty, very familiar and relatable life/romance problems, and on the other side I delved into questions of the universe and started getting especially interested in Quantum Physics, the emerging bridge between science and religion, and ideas coming from High Existence. I was eating up knowledge and ideas, while the situation with my friend was being made worse and worse by my own attitude and actions. For the best interest of our friendship, we stopped hanging out for a while. After the ties were cut, all of my mental energy was put into reading and learning, and I became OBSESSED with the knowledge. The obsession felt good though. It wasn’t like a nagging, hopeless obsession. I felt like I was on to something, like something was going to happen. I also felt like I was going absurdly insane.

Then, at some unidentifiable time, MY BRAIN EXPLODED!

Revelations about myself and everything around me, about the universe, erupted in my mind. The pieces of what I read and learned that were true stood up and raised their hand, and joined hands with all of the other beautiful pieces of truth. These pieces formed a knowing in my mind, in my soul. Over the course of the past week and a half (I am still IN IT), all of the puzzle pieces have come together, all of life makes sense. Every walk contained 5+ epiphanies about life. Daily, I feel more chunks about life making sense, my new reality settling in.

These ideas have been said before, many times, especially on this blog. But you know…we all feel the need to be known and understood in our own words. So there’s that.

We are all one consciousness. This consciousness is god, the universe, us, them, you, me, that spider on the wall watching you read this, your cat, your mom, your pet rock, the stars, the moon, the mountains, and sea, all of the animals in the world, all of the planets and possible races on those planets. This one consciousness is exploring itself through everything in existence. Our inner selves, our higher selves, our true selves lie dormant underneath entire lifetimes of human senses, beliefs and misconceptions. Reality is only determined by the observer, and the observer can change their reality with their thoughts, actions, and emotions. This is being studied by quantum physics, which is why, when I finally understood the conceptual theories quantum physics proposed, it was a wonderful ah-ha! moment. Brain. Goo. Everywhere.

We are all energy, along with all of the matter in the universe. The only thing that brings this energy into physical form is consciousness. God. Us.

I think we have lost touch with each other (ourselves) as we struggle between perceiving the world though human senses, and dealing with the ability to wonder, but not knowing what we are. Hate, fear, pride, selfishness, addiction, power; all negative emotions have been carried down generation after generation, becoming the world we live in. The labels we have given everything in the universe to make sense of our reality have become our reality. We have forgotten that it’s all been “made up”. All of it. The only truth are our feelings and thoughts. Religions are myths, formed by our own minds as we struggle with ourselves. God didn’t make us. We made god. (though I do see some benefit to religions—aka positive thinking)

We are meant to be learning about ourselves, about others and the world. We are here to wake up, to become enlightened to what we truly are, what we all are. I also do feel the shift in consciousness, and can feel it happening everywhere.

I could physically feel my mind expand during the peak of all this mental-adventure. I have begun meditation and the more I understand, the more I ask. But the answers keep coming. I feel pulled by my inner self, and the more I listen, the more I am pulled.

What has this done to my worldview and my self ego personality? Everything! I feel an insane love for life, and for the world. It is a truer love than I have ever felt for any one person or thing in my life. I can feel it pouring out of me, as I now know we are all one, I can feel the connection with others in a much stronger way. I feel the need to talk to people, even strangers. I am not afraid of anyone. I make it a point to allow the positivity and love energy to pour out of me to everyone I pass and encounter, and it has made my life wonderful. Every morning is beautiful, because I know that what I put out into the universe, I will get back. I know that no one on earth is better or worse than me. I know that when I die, I will come back, learn new lessons, and probably say hi to a few old friends. Many of the emotional problems I faced, many of the things I did not like about myself, problems stemming from childhood issues and mental blocks, seem to have melted away, into a place I no longer understand. Many problems have become completely insignificant. I still have a lot of work to do, but everyday I feel increasing love, peace and thirst for knowledge while everything else is falling away.

Life is absolutely, painfully beautiful. I have cried happy tears twice in the past two weeks, just as a result from the oneness I have felt. Because of how absurdly lucky I realize we all are. We are bound by nothing. We are experiencing a magnificent universe with endless possibilities, because we are the ones who made it. You and I. You are incredibly important. You’ve always been here, and always will be. Without you, there would be nothing. Your every action and word causes massive ripple effects that affect your reality and the reality of all consciousness. You are also small. You are a puny human amongst an endless universe of brilliant stars and eons of history. You are nothing without every other person on this planet.

And nothing more caused this shift than an awakening in my mind. I woke up to myself. I am most certainly not enlightened, but I definitely got a peek. I definitely got to say “yo..what up?” to my inner self.

Everything looks different. My passion now is inspiration, learning, and growing. I need to take care of people. I don’t know exactly what, but I know I want to contribute to others happiness, allowing them to get closer to their inner selves. I want others to feel the things I’ve felt, the purest of any love. I will find a way to use my art and words to bring inspiration or ideas to those around me. I want to be love and grow closer to the collective consciousness.

As I type these things and try to describe the past few weeks, I feel my words get more abstract, more illogical and free. Though that could also be the bowl I just finished smoking.

This community, though I haven’t said much until now, has been a HUGE part of my new viewpoints. I appreciate and love all of you. There is so much more I want to say, but there must be a stopping point, at least for now. Comments, ideas, info, any and all is welcome. Thanks for reading all that, you must be tired. ;)

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